Thoughts of darkness
I do not know what exactly I did wrong or am doing wrongfully. Whatever the reason I have, I only know there is something wrong with me. It seems so empty inside like everything was taken out of me. There might be some issues that started a series of problems. They suddenly appeared like magic but falls like dominos. Every single small domino is causing a bigger one to fall. Maybe they are accumulated gradually without any notice to me. For me, it happened for a split second. It is like “forming a big bear out of thin air” in a tick. When I know, it already has passed the boundary that I could resolve. The bear is figuratively on me! Now I need to calm down. Because I have to survive from my problems.
There are questions I want to ask myself.
How did it start? I truly do not know the answer. The seed of the problem must have been planted when I guard down my attention. Surely, it grows significantly over time. In the beginning, I could not recognize the bear but when I see it, I could not force myself to unsee. The bear is in the battle position and has been preparing for this exact moment. How sorry I am.
But why now is it attacking me? Because I am the most vulnerable at the moment. I rely on everything, and there is no alternative for my way of life. I ignored the risk in the beginning. The bear must have been waiting for this exact moment to effectively attack and execute me. However, I am the one who allows it to grow and feed it without any intention.
What is the situation of me in this battle? Relatively bad. Worse than previous battles in the very old days. My support system was partially down and malfunctioning in this odd situation. No matter how much effort they make, it appears that the battle is DUEL of me. The result will solely depend on my strength and intelligence.
Who is the real victim and villain here? Me and me. I allowed the bear to hurt me so bad that I regret it later. If I did not, it could have been better. Or I just believe so. Who am I defending now? What am I fighting for? The reasons are not rationale at the moment since I am both the good and bad here.
Should I surrender? Maybe I should but I could not. It seems like the final duel either I win or lose till death. For now, all I can do is postpone the battle. I have to recover from the first sudden attack. Luckily, the bear slows down a little bit and it is my opportunity to get ready and equip myself with premium armor and weapons.
What will happen in the future? The last but not least question depends on me. I am advised to terminate the bear and leave the battleground as soon as possible; the bear will not extinct and I would suffer after the combat unless. My decision-making skill is somehow useless in this situation. Ignoring the bear or accepting its existence seems to be the one and only solution. I wish I could foresee the future and/or follow the wisest path, not the known best one.
So WHAT?
Being in the condition solely makes me uncomfortable enough. Every single noise can distract me from living in the light. Sometimes physical and emotional circumstances interlace each other. To tell the truth, they exist or barely happen to sharpen me. Time has a wonderful way of showing us what matters. At least, I hope so.
One percent better every day! 🦸🧑🚀🌟
